Friends

Do you ever just get lost in pictures? I did today, for about an hour on Facebook. It started off as me looking for a specific picture and spiraled until I found myself neck deep in a thousand memories and the beautiful faces of friends, new and old. It got me to thinking about friendship, the beautiful, tangled weave of it, and how it enhances life. The bonds we make throughout life enrich us, change us, and make us into people that we would never be if we hadn’t met those we call friends. Throughout my life, I’ve learned that we have friends for different reasons, different seasons, and different times of our lives. I’ve also discovered that those that at one time were our closest confidants might one day become strangers. Friendship is a journey, and as with every journey we embark on in our lives, sometimes the destination changes.

As with most things, making and keeping friends is so much easier as a child. It’s beautifully simple, isn’t it? As a child, when you walk through those doors on the first day of kindergarten, you are encountered by a whole group of kids, ones that you probably had tons in common with. There, among the smell of books, glue, and construction paper, the first bonds of friendship are found. Hours are spent on playgrounds, the sweet fragrance of grass and flowers tickling your nose as you play kickball and swing under sunny skies. All it takes to keep that bond fresh and new is liking the same colors, or books. You like barbies?! I do too! Or maybe, your friendship starts a little more unconventionally. Maybe, at first, you don’t even like each other. Perhaps one day, in 4^th grade, you get into a marker fight, and go home crying and covered in vivid slashes of color because she doesn’t like you. The next day, however, you find out she was just as upset, and from that one moment, a deep and abiding friendship is born. That’s how it happened for me, anyway. I gained one of my lifelong best friends from such a marker fight, and that friendship has lasted for over 20 years, distance, fights, tears, and laughter. She and I have been through it all. I’ll never forget when I was in college, after breaking up with my ex for the first time. She dropped everything and came to check on me, just because she was worried. An hour drive may not seem like much, but to me it meant the world. It wasn’t about the distance, it was the fact that the words “call me if you need me” aren’t just a pithy statement with her. She MEANS it. I can honestly say, I can call her at any time, and ask her for anything, and she is there. There is a deep bond, to the point of sisterhood. I trust her immeasurably. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to articulate to her exactly how much I love her, and how much of an impact she has made on my life. I couldn’t’ be who I am today without her.

Alas, the older you grow, the simple pleasures of life that drew you to those you call friends may change.  As it does, it’s easy to grow apart from people. It’s natural. I think that as you grow and learn, you change. People change at different rates, and in different ways. The people that you were close to in elementary school may not be the ones you’re close to as you get older. Or, even if they are, it won’t be the same. Someone that was once your friend may be more of an acquaintance. Even later in life, those that once shared your deepest secrets, and that you had sleepovers with and knew as well as your own family may not stick around. One day, you may realize that you no longer know them at all, and this person that you once loved and cherished is a stranger. They are now the person you see and smile at, and wave at, but there’s nothing more there. That can be painful, at least I know it has been for me. Yet, it doesn’t mean you no longer care. It just means that time and circumstance has changed you both, and the people you are today just aren’t as compatible. What you have in common now is history, and a shared sense of nostalgia. It has taken me a long time to learn that just because you aren’t close now doesn’t mean the memories you share aren’t sweet.

Often, there are reasons friendships don’t last. Some friendships simply aren’t healthy. If one someone is using you not as their sounding board, but as their scapegoat, or if they are putting you down to make themselves feel better, that isn’t friendship. If they go behind your back, or tell lies about you, or make you feel bad about yourself, that isn’t friendship. I think we all have relationships like that in our lives, and they hurt the most because as much as you love and trust that person, that friend, they hurt you deeply. The scars stay with you, even long after the bonds of friendship have broken. It turns the memories that should be sweet slightly sour, like tea that has sat out in the hot sun too long. The flavor may still be good at first, but the aftertaste it leaves is bitter.

I’ve learned a lot through broken friendships, though. I’ve learned to separate the difference between acquaintances, casual friends, and the ones that will truly be there when you need them. The older I get, the more I treasure my closest friends. I’m lucky to have not only a bunch of great casual friends that are simply a blast to be around and talk to, but a tight circle of close friends that I know will last a lifetime. One of these is Melissa, who I’ve talked about several times. Since college, she’s been there through the ups and downs of my life, even from across the country. Let me tell you, it’s no picnic when your bestie lives over 3000 miles away. Still, it teaches you to cherish the moments you share together, and how to really work for your friendship. You have to want to make those long distance friendships work. She has since moved back to NC, and I couldn’t be happier about that. Ironically, three of my other closest friends are rather new to my circle. We all met 3 years ago online, through NKOTB, and in those 3 years, they have become so important to me. They have helped me through the toughest years of my life, through the deaths of my grandmother and my cousin, through life’s crazy ups and downs, and just been incredible. They are fantastic to have in your corner, and I am so thankful they are mine. Though we’ve only met in person twice, time and distance doesn’t matter. We talk almost every day, about everything. The last three years are full of jokes, laughter, and love. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, and I look forward to the next time we can hang out in person.

All in all, I am tremendously grateful for my friends, past and present. Each one has added to my life in ways I couldn’t have expected and molded me into who I am today. Some have taught me how not to treat people, while others have shown me the beauty and art of true, lifelong friendship. So to all of you that have touched my life, I thank you!