Whoa, baby

"You need another baby so your daughter won't be so spoiled."

If even one day would go by without someone telling me I need another kid, I think I'd pass out. Why does everyone think the solution to my daughter's very open, sometimes sassy, always energetic, slightly spoiled personality is for me to have another child? Look, I get it. I live in an area where everyone knows everyone, and it feels like everybody and their mama knows your business, sometimes before you do. It's part of life you just get used to in small towns. What I don't understand is why the number of children I choose to have or don't have is anyone's business but mine and my husband's? It got me to thinking about the way we see families and children in our society, and as a result this week and next week are going to be centered around this subject. This week, it's about insidious questions people ask and unsolicited advice, particularly regarding having children.

I understand that when someone tells me I "need" another child, they aren't trying to be mean. I do. I even know most of the time it's said in a very tongue and cheek fashion. However, to me, it's an unneeded pressure. I don't "need" another baby. Having another child isn't going to make my daughter less sassy, or less spoiled. In fact, it may not knock her down a peg at all, as people are constantly telling me it will. Instead, it may say to her that she wasn't enough for us, or because she wasn’t "good' enough, we decided to punish her by having another human in our home that will take up more of our time, attention, and love. That doesn't instill good feelings for my daughter, and in fact, could make her resent further children, and even act out MORE. See the fault in that "more babies" logic?

Second, telling a woman, ANY woman, that she "needs" children is just wrong. You have NO idea what is going on in her life. She may not want children, and that's a valid choice. It doesn't make her selfish or less of a woman! She may not want to have MORE children, and that's also a valid choice. And then, everyone, there are the women that desperately want children, but can't have them. Think on that. Every time you ask one of these women "when are you going to have a baby?" or "you're getting on up there, don't you think you should start thinking about babies?" you are jabbing a knife in her heart. She may be doing everything possible to have a child, but every time you ask her why she hasn't yet, you are reinforcing in her the idea that somehow she is failing. She's not, at all, but that's what her mind is already telling her. Infertility and miscarriage are a hidden subject in our society, and thoughtless questions hurt. It's a subject I'll touch more on next week. The point is, quite simply, it's no one's business if a woman does or doesn't have kids.  The only person that should be concerned with her choices is her partner.

Look, there are so many things that go into having a child. The cost, financially physically, emotionally, and mentally is a huge one. It takes a lot out of you to be a mom, more than I ever could have imagined or prepared for. That doesn't mean that I don't absolutely love my daughter more than my own life. I do. But once you have a child, your life is irrevocably changed. Someone is dependent on you every minute of every hour of every day for the next 18 years. Your dreams and hopes and ambitions will take a backseat for a while, and that's okay. The platitudes are true. You don't really know what it's like to love someone until you have a child. It's a love unlike any other. However, it's a struggle unlike any other as well. The person you are before a child is not the person you are going to be afterward. That is a huge adjustment I wasn't prepared for when I had my daughter. It’s something I’ve struggled with as well, because I felt as though my entire identity was sucked into becoming Scoot’s mom. It’s so very easy to fall into that way of thinking, that who you were before your child no longer matters, and all that does matter is your child. That’s not true, and it’s not healthy. It took me a long time to navigate to a place where I feel as though I am evolving past that feeling. As much as I love my child, I have to have an identity outside of being just her mom.

Personally, it’s not that I don’t want another child. However, that doesn’t mean that I DO, either. It simply means that I don’t know. I’m almost 35, an age where birth defects in babies rise. Scoot is six and a half, a great age where as much as she challenges me, she can tell me what she needs and wants. Having another baby means starting back from zero. Diapers. Spit up. Cribs. Sleep training. Potty training. All of the battles of toddlerhood would be repeated. That being said, there’s also all the great stuff. The smell of a freshly washed baby. Sleepy snuggles. All the firsts. Baby laughs. I’ll admit, there are times that I get that tug of “Oh, babies!” Most of the time, though, that tug quickly dissipates. I don’t want to have another child unless I’m 100% sure that it’s something both my husband and I truly want.

You see, it’s a huge commitment, to have a second child. It’s an adjustment not only for me and my body, but for my entire family. Pregnancy itself I loved. I was one of those lucky women that had a very easy pregnancy, all things considered. I reveled in all those changes and new experiences that only come with a pregnancy. Everything after that, at least for me, has been tough. I suffered with post-partum depression, but was undiagnosed until Scoot was about a year old. Honestly, looking back, I was a MESS. I barely remember her first birthday. I was there in body, but my spirit wasn’t. I cried a lot. I was so very moody and almost unhinged. I don’t know how my husband dealt with me. There were so many times I remember sobbing until I ached all over while I rocked her because I felt so many emotions all at once. You see, PPD doesn’t make you stop feeling, at least in my case. I felt everything so sharply at all times it was as though I was being cut into ribbons inside. The anger, the sadness, even the joy. I didn’t have the words to describe it, and being a new mom with a husband that worked nights and slept all days was a challenge to say the least. There’s a very real chance that if I have another child, I’ll deal with PPD again. That isn’t the only thing affecting my decision to have another child, but it does factor in. I have more than myself and an infant to consider this time. I have the child I have now that wouldn’t understand the changes in me. Yes, I know how to ask for help, and I know my resources to use, but still. Depression and anxiety are sneaky, especially when you suffer from them already periodically.

To this day, I worry constantly that I’m not a good mother. It’s easy when you’re pregnant to follow doctor’s orders, to eat the right things and cut the caffeine. It’s so much harder once the baby is outside of your body, and you have no clear direction of what to do next. A lot of the things I’m writing now are things I haven’t even discussed with family.  What if I admit my concerns about being a good mom, and I’m told I’m right, that I’m not? It’s not that I need outside validation, or some shiny medal to prove my worth. I don’t. I just want to know that I’m not screwing up my kid. I’m not the perfect Pinterest mom. I get frustrated with her daily, usually over her stubborn nature. I feel like my days are spent saying “Scoot, don’t. Scoot, stop. What did I say?!” Am I scolding her too much, and not praising her enough? Do I have the proper balance of discipline and indulgence? Does she feel understood and loved, or just that I fuss at her all the time? I find myself feeling defeated nearly every day. There are still days bad enough that I cry. Is she going to look back and say, “my mom was terrible? All she did was snap at me all the time?” Or will she say, “my mom loved me enough to correct me when I was wrong, and push me to be better?” I don’t know. She’s only six, and I could ask her, but she’d probably just tell me what she thinks I want to hear.

I feel helpless sometimes. I want to give her everything I can, but sometimes I just simply don’t know how. If I say I don’t want another child, am I selfish? Does wanting things outside of motherhood mean that I’m too greedy, or I don’t care about my family? Will my parents or my daughter think I am in some way letting them down if I don’t provide another child? I don’t know. What are the right answers? These questions make me lose sleep, because I do worry. As much as I’ve loved being a mom, I want other things too. I want to write more, and possibly make a career from that. I want to travel, and see things that I’ve never seen before. There are so many things that I would love to do, and if I have another child, yes, those things will be affected. Am I selfish for realizing that, and saying that there’s a chance I don’t want to let go of those things?

 I see other moms, most with multiple children rolling through life like it’s a breeze, and even though I know in my heart that every mom struggles, it doesn’t seem like it. I wonder if they worry about the same things I do, or if their way of parenting is more effective than mine. Suffice it to say, that I worry a lot, every day, and I know that adding another kiddo onto that will only compound my worries. Because if I really am screwing up my kid, then I’d be screwing up double. Don’t misunderstand me. Not for one second am I saying I regret being a mother, or having my daughter.  For all the struggle and worry and frustration there is, she adds more than I could have ever imagined. The conversations we have, the laughs, the snuggles on the couch are all priceless. I know that a lot of the time we butt heads, but she amazes me every single day as well. I just don’t know if I want to upset our balance by adding in another child.

Also, I have to say, the pressure we put on women to be moms, or have more kids? That has to stop. As I’ve stated, her choices are her own, and her reasons are her own. Why do others feel the need to police reproduction? If a woman has no kids, she “needs” to. If she only has one, her child “needs” a sibling. If a woman has four kids, “why does she have so many kids?” How is any of this anyone’s business? Look, women already have enough pressure on them. We’re told by society how to act, how to speak, how much education we need, how our relationships should look, and how to parent. We are judged, every single day of our lives on our actions, looks, personalities, and so on. When we become mothers, that judgment increases tenfold. It’s a never ending cycle that never seems to stop, and when you add in people that are telling you, to your face, that “you are letting people down if you don’t have another baby,” that is not fair. Women should never be guilted into having children because they have been told it’s unfair to someone if they don’t.

Look, I love my family dearly. I love the life we’re building together, just as it is. Whether or not I ever have another child, I am happy with what I have right now. The decisions my husband and I make regarding our family should be our own, and they will be. I can’t allow myself to bow down to outside pressure, in order to fulfill some image of the ideal family. My daughter, with all her quirks and sass, IS my ideal. Remember, words have consequences. You don’t know what battles people are fighting. What you think is the right thing may be the straw that breaks another person’s back. It’s not up to us to dictate what another person’s ideal family should be, or shouldn’t be. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone in being frustrated over “the question”, but maybe, just maybe, there are other women out there that are frustrated as well. To them I say, you’re not alone. Don’t let others pressure you into decisions that affect you and your family.

That’s all for this week. Coming up soon, I’ll have a blog based on infertility and miscarriage. If you or anyone you know are interested in contributing, please feel free to message me! Until next time!