A Flicker of Light in the Darkness

Ten years ago today, something momentous happened. For a whole generation of women, life was changed when New Kids on the Block reunited after 14 years. For all of us, it was the rejuvenation of a dream, one in which some of us didn’t even know we had. We had moved on, grown up, started our lives as adults, but kept this band locked in our hearts, hoping that maybe one day they’d reunite, but not expecting it. After all, lightning doesn’t strike twice, does it? In this case, it does, and it sparked a journey that has been incredible. Now, I know there is a contingent of people that will read this and say, “New Kids on the Block? Really? You wanna talk about that washed up boyband?” Yes. Yes, I do. The reason is simple. These five guys from Boston played a huge role in my life.

Surely that can’t be, you’ll tell me. They’re just a band. Just a group of guys trying to recapture their youth. Just. Not to me. To explain what these guys mean to me, we have to go back ten years. I have to tell you about the girl I was, and how NKOTB sparked new life within that girl, helping her to become the woman she was meant to be. Sometimes what you consider “just” something, dismissing them, can be the thing that helps change someone else’s life.

Ten years ago, I was miserable. I was in a marriage that was falling apart around me. I was a recent college graduate that couldn’t find a job in her field (I never did, but that’s neither here nor there). In so many ways, I felt lost. Down trodden. Beaten. There was darkness in my life that was threatening to overtake me, and it was all around. Even though my best friend lived with my ex husband and me, I still felt isolated in many ways. I carried around this weight all the time. Wondering when he was going to snap. Would he scream at me today? Would he tell me that I didn’t love him well enough? Would he explain to me, spittle flying, how I simply wasn’t trying hard enough? Would he look me in the face and tell me that he knew I wished he would die? These were the secrets I kept locked inside myself. I prayed no one in my life knew how bad it really was. I lived in shame of what was going on in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family that’s extremely supportive. However, I didn’t want them to know how bad things were. I didn’t want them to hear the things that I was told, or the fact that after so many years, I believed them. I’d lost everything that was strong and happy about myself, but I told everyone in my life that I was fine. Is there any more dangerous word in a person’s arsenal than fine? I don’t think there is. Fine is almost always a lie. I was not fine. I was lost, and sad, and had been telling myself and everyone around me that I was fine for so long that I’d forgotten what happiness and light and joy actually were. In other words, I was sleepwalking through my life, just hoping to make it through the days.

Cut to early October of 2008. My marriage, only a year old, is crumbling to dust. I’m working part time at Ross with my best friend. I’m fighting a growing sense of malaise around me, and I don’t know what to do...and then there’s announcement on the radio. New Kids on the Block are going to be in Charlotte on October 30^th. I looked at my best friend and I said, “We have to go. We may never get the chance again.” The tickets would be my birthday present from my husband…and the last gift he ever gave me. They were nosebleeds, in the 300 level, but I didn’t care. I was going. I just wanted a break from everything going on around me, and a girl’s trip with my best friend. I wanted to get away. I never expected how that one pivotal moment would make me feel.

October 30^th came. Peaches (just kidding, her name’s Melissa. She said I could only use her name if I called her Peaches first) and I piled in her truck, and our first stop was to Walmart. We bought The Block, NKOTB’s new release, and put it in the CD player. For 3 ½ hours we listened to every single NKOTB song we could. We sang. Excitement built. It was a lark, a quick little girl’s trip to relive a little piece of our childhood. We checked into our hotel, got lost, made it to the arena. We walked in, and surprise! We’d been bumped down a whole level! Still far away from the main stage, but closer! We made our way to our seats, taking in the electric feeling in the air. To this day, I still remember the way I felt when the lights went out before they came on. I can still feel that first heart stopping wave of pure excitement, the way the opening video tickled along my skin. That moment of knowing “Holy crap, this is real. I am about to see these guys I've loved since I was five.” I can picture with perfect clarity the flashes of light, and feel the scream that ripped from my throat when they appeared on the stage, heads bowed, hands folded, in a triangular formation. It’s a perfect, crystalline memory. Even today, when I watch old videos from that tour online, I still smile and feel my heart expand in my chest. The moment I heard Joe’s voice ring out over the crowd singing “If you came here by yourself tonight” I knew. This one night was the start of something magical.

I won’t bore you with every detail of that show. The details don’t matter so much as the feelings that memory carries. In that arena, with my best friend at my side, I came alive again. I laughed. I cried. I sighed. I LIVED. All at once, every worry that had been plaguing me melted away as I watched the men on the stage. I held on to Melissa, and we sang along, screamed along with the rest of the audience. We let the magic and exhilaration of sharing this moment roll through us. When I walked out of the arena that night, I was changed. Somehow, in the last few hours, I’d remembered what fun was. Something had awakened inside of me.

That night made me realize how I’d buried myself. I’d become so used to censoring my thoughts and my feelings, telling myself and everyone around me that I was fine, that I’d anesthetized myself to how bitterly unhappy I really was. A few weeks later, Melissa and I went on a trip to Southport, and while waiting in line for the ferry, we spilled out our hearts to one another about the situation I was in. We cried, and for the first time in a long time, I admitted how unhappy and scared and lonely I was. How I was worried about letting my family down if I divorced my husband. How if I didn’t, the verbal abuse I suffered would one day escalate. She echoed my every worry, telling me that she feared if I didn’t get out soon, that one day he’d hurt me. I couldn’t disagree.  Opening up to Melissa was another step, one that I am not sure I would have been able to take without the concert in Charlotte. It had blown open the doors, allowing everything that I’d held so tight within me to break free, destroying the chains of my own making.

Within two months of the NKOTB concert, my husband and I had separated. Melissa and I moved into a one bedroom apartment, where we supported ourselves through our jobs at Ross. Times were hard as hell, with lots of ramen and mac and cheese, but at the same time, it was one of the best, most freeing times of my life. I had my best friend. I was on my own for the first time in years, learning to love myself again. I created a soundtrack to my life, filled with NKOTB, Hanson, Ne-Yo, and Jesse McCartney. To this day, those songs are the go-to’s for me when I’m having a bad day. They remind me of traffic jams, singing and dancing in the car with my best friend, or day trips to Southport. I started writing again, filling scraps of paper with scribbles as I worked the dressing room at Ross, writing stories at night after work. I met a great group of friends, enjoying myself in a way I never had before. It was the beginning of a new life.

In 2011, I married again, to my wonderful hubby. Our daughter was born in 2012. My life was settled, and happy. Still, being a stay at home mom hasn’t always been easy. In fact, there’s a whole blog to be written about that, but that’s for another day. I’ve struggled to find my place in this new life, and it’s been difficult, but through it all, I’ve had NKOTB. My happy place. Though my hubby doesn’t understand it, they are just an integral part of my life. I can be having the worst day, with tears and arguments or just sadness, and I can put on their music and feel better. I can watch a concert on youtube and laugh the pain away. Best of all, though, my love for NKOTB has introduced me to an incredible group of women that I consider some of my best friends. These women have supported me on some of the darkest days of my life. They are a gift in my life, and I never, ever would have met them without loving NKOTB. Funny how life works,  isn’t it?

It is because of these friends, and this band, that last year I had two of the most incredible experiences of my life. In July, I traveled alone to Boston to meet these friends in person, and to see NKOTB at Fenway, which is basically Mecca for a New Kids fan. Through this trip, I grew to love these friends even more. I made memories that will last a lifetime. I hugged these women, who had talked me through the deaths of my grandmother and my cousin, who had listen to me rant about the bad days, that had virtually held my hand through the hard times and laughed with me in the good times, and felt absolutely blessed. I stood in the pouring rain inside Fenway, heart filled to bursting, beside one of these friends as we shared a once in a lifetime experience. I walked my feet off through Salem, admiring the beauty and laughing until my sides hurt. And when I went home, tears filled my eyes for leaving them.  Three short months later, however, we were all reunited in New Orleans when we boarded the Carnival Triumph on the NKOTB cruise. I’ve already documented that journey a bit, but suffice to say that it was a trip I’ll forever treasure.

You see, at the heart of it, my love for New Kids on the Block is so deeply seated within me because of the experiences and the people that I have discovered through them. Without that one night in Charlotte, would I have had the courage to let go of a bad marriage when I did, or would I have stayed? I don’t know. I like to think that I would have let go eventually, that the strength was there within me, but I don’t know. I do know that without NKOTB I wouldn’t have met some of the coolest damn people on the planet. These women are a part of the fabric of my life now, and I can’t imagine my life without them. It is because of five men from Boston and an international group of friends that I have traveled to places I never saw myself going, and doing so alone even though it scared the hell out of me. I have found happiness, learned to treasure every moment, and discovered how to stand up and say what it is I need in life. NKOTB is my escape, my happy place, the source of bonding with friends. Most of all, they are a symbol of rebirth for me. For that alone, I will always be a Blockhead.

Donnie Wahlberg always tells BH’s not to thank him or NKOTB for getting them through a bad situation, because they did it themselves. While that’s true, I have to thank these guys, because while I did the heavy lifting, they were the key. They were that first spark, the eye opener, the thing that made me say, “this is how happy really feels.” Now, I know that Donnie, Danny, Jon, Jordan, and Joe will probably never, ever see this blog, and that’s okay. Yet, I have to say it anyway. Guys, thank you so much for reuniting. Thank you for the laughter, the love, the light in the darkness. Thank you for this INCREDIBLE journey, and I can only hope that it continues for a long, long time. Most of all, thank you for giving me the gift of realizing true happiness, and opening my mind and heart to a world of new possibilities.

Finally, I know some of you reading this will never understand why this band is so important to me. That’s okay. The truth of it is, though, we ALL have that one thing that just makes us happy. Whether it’s an artist, or a band, or a TV show, we all have something that just lifts us up and brings us joy. Whatever your thing is, I’m glad you have it. I would never begrudge anyone their joy. My hope is that you’ll remember that while someone’s favorite thing may not be what you’d choose, it is still theirs to love. Everyone has different struggles, different heartbreaks, and different things that make them happy. If it lights up your eyes, and brings a lift to your heart, treasure it, no matter what the world thinks. Life is far too short to not love what you love and find pleasure in it. Who knows? Maybe that thing you love so much will open up new worlds within you, just as NKOTB has done for me!