Suicide. It’s
one of the most common causes of death in the United States, yet it’s one we
don’t talk about. Unlike cancer or heart disease, suicide comes with labels and
stigma. People that lose their lives to suicide are seen as cowards, or weak,
or somehow deficient, and not as worthy of grief or mourning. As a society, we
find shame in someone dying by their own hand, and I find that heartbreaking. I
want to study this subject from several angles. Today I’ll just be talking
about the basics, and discussing those some. Next week, I’ll delve deeper in
suicide rates among specific populations, such as the LGBTQ community. Finally,
the third in this series will discuss the emotional toll suicide takes on
family and friends left behind.
Suicide in
the united states is one of the top ten causes of death. On average, 45,000
suicides occurred in 2016, a number that has risen since 1999. Certain age
groups, such as 15-34 year olds, seem more susceptible to suicide, and it is
actually the number two cause of death for that age group, according to an article
in the Washington Post from July. While
men and women both attempt suicide, men are more likely to use violent methods,
such as firearms, and therefore, are more likely to complete an attempt. Suicide
rates are also climbing in most states and age groups, including children. Yes,
you read that right, CHILDREN. More and more in the news, I am seeing stories
of 10 year olds dying by suicide. It’s a heartbreaking and troubling reality.
Hanson, my favorite band, has a song called “Believe”
that I’ve always thought was about severe depression and suicide. The entire
song stems from someone feeling hopelessness and emptiness, but there is a
particular lyric that comes to mind whenever I think about severe depression
and suicide. “Murder wears a friendly smile/like a perfect end in a plastic
vial/no pain/Sorry I can’t seem to stay/But this bird was meant to fly away.”
The song is deeply sad, rasping and pleading, and has the feeling of someone
begging to find a reason to live. It’s a sentiment that people struggle with,
every single day, and yet some of those people simply never find that reason,
or the reasons just aren’t enough. There are other songs, too, that talk about
suicide, such as Why by Rascal Flatts and Adam’s Song by Blink 182.
As well as
songs, television shows have touched on the subject. Most notably, recently a
show called 13 Reasons Why on Netflix has sparked massive debates. The show’s
first season centers around cassette tapes that are mysteriously sent to 13
people after the suicide of Hannah Baker. On the tapes, Hannah herself explains
why she did what she did, and the events that led up to that momentous decision.
Now, I’ve watched the show. I do think that perhaps teenagers shouldn’t watch
it alone, as it is graphic, and deals with things that are very heavy. That
being said, however, I think that the show has merit because it opens up lines
of discussion. It’s a way to get kids, or even adults, to start talking about
what the show is about, and if they’ve ever felt like Hannah. I know that one
scene in particular spoke to me. At one point, Hannah is speaking to the guidance
counselor at her school, and he asks her what she’s feeling. She says, “Lost I
guess. Sort of empty…I don’t feel anything.” I cannot tell you how that
affected me. It was a blow to my chest, because I’ve been there. I’ve felt
that. I know what it’s like to be so numb that you feel as though nothing
matters anymore, and so detached that you’re just empty. To know that Hannah
felt that way, and is begging for someone to help her find her way back, it was
a very upsetting moment in the show for me. It was very real.
To me, I don’t
think weakness or cowardice when I think of suicide. I think of pain. I think
of numbness. I think of hopelessness. It’s a sense of wanting things to get
better, but believing they never will. The reasons a person might contemplate
or attempt suicide are complex, and rarely boil down to just one event. Things
like mental illness, traumatic events, bullying, loneliness, unemployment,
terminal illness, drug use and so on may be contributing factors. An article in
Psychology Today talked about the causes of suicide, and their perspective was
intriguing. Researchers studied 20 notes
of those that attempted suicide, and 20 notes off those that completed a
suicide and judged them based on five criteria: sense of burden, emotional
escape, sense of pain, problematic social world, and hopelessness. What they
found was thought provoking. The article states, “The biggest
difference was that the notes of suicide completers included more detail about
how they were a burden on other people and society at large compared to the
attempters. In fact, this sense of burden was the only dimension that
distinguished the letters of these two groups.” What does that mean? It means
that the people that actually completed a suicide attempt felt the world was
better off without them. I think the saddest, and most honest statement from
the article came next. It said, “In general, people do not attempt suicide
solely because of pain, it's because they don't believe there is a reason
to live and the world would be better off without them.” That isn’t to say that pain doesn’t
matter. It absolutely does. Pain, whether physical or emotional, scars not only
the body but the mind as well. At a certain point, all one really wants is for
that pain to stop by whatever means necessary. What the researchers found was that
when paired with a sense of hopelessness, or with the belief that loved ones
and the world in general would be a better place without them, a person’s suicidal
ideations may become a serious option.
Suicide
doesn’t affect just one class of people, or one race, or one age group. This is
a prevalent problem among all areas of our society. From the outside looking in,
it’s hard to tell when someone is struggling. While there may be outward signs
of depression or mental illness, in some cases there is little to no warning,
or warnings aren’t taken seriously. An observer may think that someone else’s
life is amazing and they have nothing to
be sad or upset about but that’s the thing. We never actually know what is
going on in someone’s life or in their mind. Here is where I am going to get
real, and very honest. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression
and anxiety. I was struggling. From the outside, it may not have looked like
it. I had (and still do) an amazing family, loving parents, and a beautiful
home. My grades were good, and I had a wonderful group of friends. Inside my mind,
however, I was lost. I saw my mother, father and brother as a unit, and I was
the interloper in their presence. All my friends were about to disperse to
different colleges, and new paths. I was so very lost, and I felt utterly
alone, even though I had so many great people in my life. I remember the day I made
my suicide attempt very clearly. It was after school, during the week. My brother
had just left with a friend to go do something, and I think my mom and I had
had a fight. I was folding laundry in the living room, sunlight spilling
through the windows. I was desperate, alone, and terrified. I tried calling a
friend, and he didn’t answer. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, to me in that
moment, it calculated that he and everyone else would be better off if I wasn’t
there anymore, and I wouldn’t bug him anymore. My parents would be happier. My brother
would be the only child. He was the smarter one anyway. I walked into the kitchen,
crying, and picked up a prescription bottle of pills and opened it. I was fully
intent on taking those pills. To this day, I can feel the cap in my hand, tears
on my face, and the knowledge that this was it. The bottle was full, but when I
tipped it no pills would come out.
I remember
feeling like a failure at even that, at taking my own life, but I capped the
bottle back anyway and curled back up on the couch and sobbed into the laundry.
I don’t know why those pills wouldn’t pour out. I really don’t. When people ask
me why I believe in God, it’s because of that moment, when I was 17, in my
parent’s kitchen. I truly feel like the
hand of God kept those pills from pouring into my hand, because if they had, I may
not be here today.
My goal
that day was not to die, necessarily. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted all
the pain that had welled up inside me, despite my outwardly seeming amazing
life, to just go away. It’s a feeling that I can’t possibly express in words,
but it’s an emptiness that is endless. It’s like this. It’s being at the bottom
of a deep, deep hole, and you claw your way to try to get to the top. The more
you try, the more dirt falls in around you, until you are stuck there, in this
hole, with no light or air. At some point, the will to climb out simply leaves
you, and all you want is for it all to go away. Even writing about this today
is hard for me. It’s something not many people know, and not something I talk
about. Today, I know that I was suffering from a serious bout of depression,
but at the time all I saw was pain and hopelessness. I only wanted it all to
stop. I truly believed I would be doing everyone a favor if I just wasn’t
there. I know now that I would have devasted my family and friends.
I want
you all to understand this: you can’t know what is going on in someone else’s
mind, even if they are your best friend, your lover, your parent, or your
child. Sometimes, it may seem as though someone is doing fine, swimming right
along, when in reality, they are barely keeping their head above water.
Sometimes, the will to paddle just simple falls away from exhaustion, and you
can’t judge them or shame them for that. The current is simply too strong to
fight against. There are warning signs for suicidal behaviors, but remember
that they don’t always apply to every person. They are:
·
Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill
themselves
·
Talking about feeling empty, hopeless, or having no
reason to live
·
Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves,
such as searching online, stockpiling pills, or newly acquiring potentially
lethal items (e.g., firearms, ropes)
·
Talking about great guilt or shame
·
Talking about feeling trapped or feeling that there
are no solutions
·
Feeling unbearable pain, both physical or emotional
·
Talking about being a burden to others
·
Using alcohol or drugs more often
·
Acting anxious or agitated
·
Withdrawing from family and friends
·
Changing eating and/or sleeping habits
·
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
·
Taking risks that could lead to death, such as
reckless driving
·
Talking or thinking about death often
·
Displaying extreme mood swings, suddenly changing
from very sad to very calm or happy
·
Giving away important possessions
·
Saying goodbye to friends and family
·
Putting affairs in order, making a will
Please bear in mind
that someone that is contemplating suicide may not have all of these warning
signs, or any at all. Still, it is important to know these, and if you see
someone you love exhibiting them, to talk to them. Keep lines of communication
open, and know when to help the one you love seek help.
I hope that I have
provided a bit of insight into suicide. Next week, I want to delve more into
specific groups, and show that suicide is becoming more and more a public health
crisis. I’ll leave you with the number to the suicide hotline, as well as the
sources I’ve used in writing this. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS CONTEMPLATING
SUICIDE, PLEASE CALL 1–800–273–TALK (8255). They
have people available to help.
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