Heartbreak and Hurricanes

As I am sure some of you have noticed, the last two weeks have been blog free. I'm sorry for that, but unfortunately there are two good reasons. The first is that Hurricane Florence hit my area of NC hard. Massive flooding has had some sections of North Carolina completely cut off, until just this week. We lost power during the storm, and it came on Sunday. We were blessed to escape any damage to our home or property, but unfortunately,  our family can't say that same. This leads me to the second reason there was no blog lately. Tragically, last Monday, in the early morning hours, my grandfather and cousin passed away.

I know that not all of you know my family, so here's a quick history lesson. My grandmother and grandfather raised my cousin, Brittany, from an early age. We lost my grandmother in January of 2016, and it was a hard, hard blow. This, however, has blown us apart. It's hard to comprehend one sudden death, but two is a tragedy I wouldn't wish on anyone. I know how much both of my grandparents loved Brittany, and I know that living without her here would have destroyed them. Likewise, Britt couldn't have coped with the loss of both of them gone and her here. I know in my heart that as hard as it is to lose them all in so short a time, this is the way that God has deemed it should be. That knowledge doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't keep the flood of memories at bay. It doesn't stem all the tears that have flowed for a week now.

My granddaddy once told me, shortly after Britt was born that he had four knees. When I asked him what he meant, he grinned at me and pointed to his knees. "well, I have this knee, and this knee, and a Courtney and a Brittany." I can't describe the heartbreak of knowing that I am now his last "ney" on this Earth. It is now my job to walk this world for him, and try to honor him and Brittany as best I can. God, I miss his smile already. I miss his hugs. I miss him, and the essence of who he was. I could go on for days, but I won't. I'm not sure my heart could take it.

Granddaddy was a police officer for 20 years. He served our town and was well liked, and a wonderful person. At his service, he received the honors of "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes and T.A.P,S., as well as Masonic rites. For Brittany, however, we did things a little differently. I stood for my family and spoke about our girl, the one that we all raised and loved so much. Below is my speech to her, and the body of this week's blog. Next week, I will try to get back on schedule, but bear with me, friends. It's been a hard few weeks, and more are to come. But for now, I want to share my words about my sweet Brit Bratt.

Today, as I stand before you, celebrating Brittany’s life, I am reminded of a song lyric from the musical Hamilton. The song says, “I don’t pretend to know the challenges we’re facing, I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost.” While this is true, I don’t want this moment to be only sadness. She did not live her life in sadness, and she would not want us to dwell there now. I believe that we can best honor her life today by sharing some of the happy moments she gave us, and there are so many.  

Brittany was brought to us on the winds of Hurricane Fran in 1996, and she went Home with Hurricane Florence. From the time she came to us, she was nothing but joy and light. As a baby, she had the blondest hair, so blonde it was nearly white. It was stand up all over her head, almost like dandelion fluff.  Even from her earliest days, she shined so brightly. Always one to go her own way, she didn’t crawl in the traditional sense. Instead, she would wiggle, scooting her head across the floor until she got to where she was going. She had the best disposition, and always had a ready smile.  

As she grew, we discovered the Brittany that everyone would come to love. An old soul with a childlike spirit, she spent every day of her short life bringing joy to everyone that knew her. Her heart knew no hatred, no malice, no unkindness. Brittany knew no strangers, and truly only saw the good in everyone she met. She was always ready with a hug and a smile.

From her earliest days, Brittany was the brightest light. Her smile could outshine the sun. Her laugh was always genuine, always heartfelt. There was no pretense about her or artifice. She loved Winnie the Pooh, the color red, and music. I remember her from her earliest years, bopping in the backseat to “Wanna Talk About Me” by Toby Keith, or whatever song was playing on the radio. More than anything, Brittany loved her family. There was never a time that you saw her that she didn’t drop everything to give you a big hug, and ask you how you were. Brittany never shied away from the words “I love you”, like so many of us do. Instead, she always made sure that you knew how she felt.

Brittany also loved animals. She rescued Lucky, her beloved 3 legged dog, and they shared beautiful years together. I know that he was waiting there, ready to greet her Home. Her sense of wonder over any animal, whether it be a dog, or a cat, or even a squirrel scurrying up a tree was infectious. She only knew how to love wholeheartedly, which is why I believe she shared such a kinship with animals.

Children loved Brittany. Her purity of spirit, and vivacity drew them in. And my, did Brittany love them back. She could talk to them and relate as not many can, and children sensed that. She would play any game, sing any song, and talk to children for hours. Rarely did she see a baby that she didn’t hold or cuddle.

I have spoken to so many people that have reached out, and all have said the same thing: Brittany was one of a kind. She was sweet. She was kind. She was funny. She was good to others, and genuinely cared. Her loss in this community will be felt for a long, long time to come. To all of you that have reached, out, we as a family thank you. Our loss is yours as well.

I honestly believe that some souls are so pure and good, that they are only loaned to us for a short time. Brittany is one of those souls. Her purpose here like a shooting star: to briefly illuminate our lives and bring us joy and wonder. My sweet Britt Brat, we loved you and we always will. Your time here cannot be defined by years, but only by the precious moments and memories that we share. You changed every person that met you, for the better. Rest now, our sweet girl.

I urge you all to hug those you love. Don't shy away from telling them how you feel. You never know when you may not have the chance again. Until next time.

Suicide

Suicide. It’s one of the most common causes of death in the United States, yet it’s one we don’t talk about. Unlike cancer or heart disease, suicide comes with labels and stigma. People that lose their lives to suicide are seen as cowards, or weak, or somehow deficient, and not as worthy of grief or mourning. As a society, we find shame in someone dying by their own hand, and I find that heartbreaking. I want to study this subject from several angles. Today I’ll just be talking about the basics, and discussing those some. Next week, I’ll delve deeper in suicide rates among specific populations, such as the LGBTQ community. Finally, the third in this series will discuss the emotional toll suicide takes on family and friends left behind.

Suicide in the united states is one of the top ten causes of death. On average, 45,000 suicides occurred in 2016, a number that has risen since 1999. Certain age groups, such as 15-34 year olds, seem more susceptible to suicide, and it is actually the number two cause of death for that age group, according to an article in the Washington Post from July.  While men and women both attempt suicide, men are more likely to use violent methods, such as firearms, and therefore, are more likely to complete an attempt. Suicide rates are also climbing in most states and age groups, including children. Yes, you read that right, CHILDREN. More and more in the news, I am seeing stories of 10 year olds dying by suicide. It’s a heartbreaking and troubling reality.

 Hanson, my favorite band, has a song called “Believe” that I’ve always thought was about severe depression and suicide. The entire song stems from someone feeling hopelessness and emptiness, but there is a particular lyric that comes to mind whenever I think about severe depression and suicide. “Murder wears a friendly smile/like a perfect end in a plastic vial/no pain/Sorry I can’t seem to stay/But this bird was meant to fly away.” The song is deeply sad, rasping and pleading, and has the feeling of someone begging to find a reason to live. It’s a sentiment that people struggle with, every single day, and yet some of those people simply never find that reason, or the reasons just aren’t enough. There are other songs, too, that talk about suicide, such as Why by Rascal Flatts and Adam’s Song by Blink 182.

As well as songs, television shows have touched on the subject. Most notably, recently a show called 13 Reasons Why on Netflix has sparked massive debates. The show’s first season centers around cassette tapes that are mysteriously sent to 13 people after the suicide of Hannah Baker. On the tapes, Hannah herself explains why she did what she did, and the events that led up to that momentous decision. Now, I’ve watched the show. I do think that perhaps teenagers shouldn’t watch it alone, as it is graphic, and deals with things that are very heavy. That being said, however, I think that the show has merit because it opens up lines of discussion. It’s a way to get kids, or even adults, to start talking about what the show is about, and if they’ve ever felt like Hannah. I know that one scene in particular spoke to me. At one point, Hannah is speaking to the guidance counselor at her school, and he asks her what she’s feeling. She says, “Lost I guess. Sort of empty…I don’t feel anything.” I cannot tell you how that affected me. It was a blow to my chest, because I’ve been there. I’ve felt that. I know what it’s like to be so numb that you feel as though nothing matters anymore, and so detached that you’re just empty. To know that Hannah felt that way, and is begging for someone to help her find her way back, it was a very upsetting moment in the show for me. It was very real.

To me, I don’t think weakness or cowardice when I think of suicide. I think of pain. I think of numbness. I think of hopelessness. It’s a sense of wanting things to get better, but believing they never will. The reasons a person might contemplate or attempt suicide are complex, and rarely boil down to just one event. Things like mental illness, traumatic events, bullying, loneliness, unemployment, terminal illness, drug use and so on may be contributing factors. An article in Psychology Today talked about the causes of suicide, and their perspective was intriguing.  Researchers studied 20 notes of those that attempted suicide, and 20 notes off those that completed a suicide and judged them based on five criteria: sense of burden, emotional escape, sense of pain, problematic social world, and hopelessness. What they found was thought provoking. The article states, “The biggest difference was that the notes of suicide completers included more detail about how they were a burden on other people and society at large compared to the attempters. In fact, this sense of burden was the only dimension that distinguished the letters of these two groups.” What does that mean? It means that the people that actually completed a suicide attempt felt the world was better off without them. I think the saddest, and most honest statement from the article came next. It said, “In general, people do not attempt suicide solely because of pain, it's because they don't believe there is a reason to live and the world would be better off without them.” That isn’t to say that pain doesn’t matter. It absolutely does. Pain, whether physical or emotional, scars not only the body but the mind as well. At a certain point, all one really wants is for that pain to stop by whatever means necessary. What the researchers found was that when paired with a sense of hopelessness, or with the belief that loved ones and the world in general would be a better place without them, a person’s suicidal ideations may become a serious option.

Suicide doesn’t affect just one class of people, or one race, or one age group. This is a prevalent problem among all areas of our society. From the outside looking in, it’s hard to tell when someone is struggling. While there may be outward signs of depression or mental illness, in some cases there is little to no warning, or warnings aren’t taken seriously. An observer may think that someone else’s life is amazing  and they have nothing to be sad or upset about but that’s the thing. We never actually know what is going on in someone’s life or in their mind. Here is where I am going to get real, and very honest. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was struggling. From the outside, it may not have looked like it. I had (and still do) an amazing family, loving parents, and a beautiful home. My grades were good, and I had a wonderful group of friends. Inside my mind, however, I was lost. I saw my mother, father and brother as a unit, and I was the interloper in their presence. All my friends were about to disperse to different colleges, and new paths. I was so very lost, and I felt utterly alone, even though I had so many great people in my life. I remember the day I made my suicide attempt very clearly. It was after school, during the week. My brother had just left with a friend to go do something, and I think my mom and I had had a fight. I was folding laundry in the living room, sunlight spilling through the windows. I was desperate, alone, and terrified. I tried calling a friend, and he didn’t answer. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, to me in that moment, it calculated that he and everyone else would be better off if I wasn’t there anymore, and I wouldn’t bug him anymore. My parents would be happier. My brother would be the only child. He was the smarter one anyway. I walked into the kitchen, crying, and picked up a prescription bottle of pills and opened it. I was fully intent on taking those pills. To this day, I can feel the cap in my hand, tears on my face, and the knowledge that this was it. The bottle was full, but when I tipped it no pills would come out.

I remember feeling like a failure at even that, at taking my own life, but I capped the bottle back anyway and curled back up on the couch and sobbed into the laundry. I don’t know why those pills wouldn’t pour out. I really don’t. When people ask me why I believe in God, it’s because of that moment, when I was 17, in my parent’s kitchen.  I truly feel like the hand of God kept those pills from pouring into my hand, because if they had, I may not be here today.

My goal that day was not to die, necessarily. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted all the pain that had welled up inside me, despite my outwardly seeming amazing life, to just go away. It’s a feeling that I can’t possibly express in words, but it’s an emptiness that is endless. It’s like this. It’s being at the bottom of a deep, deep hole, and you claw your way to try to get to the top. The more you try, the more dirt falls in around you, until you are stuck there, in this hole, with no light or air. At some point, the will to climb out simply leaves you, and all you want is for it all to go away. Even writing about this today is hard for me. It’s something not many people know, and not something I talk about. Today, I know that I was suffering from a serious bout of depression, but at the time all I saw was pain and hopelessness. I only wanted it all to stop. I truly believed I would be doing everyone a favor if I just wasn’t there. I know now that I would have devasted my family and friends. 

I want you all to understand this: you can’t know what is going on in someone else’s mind, even if they are your best friend, your lover, your parent, or your child. Sometimes, it may seem as though someone is doing fine, swimming right along, when in reality, they are barely keeping their head above water. Sometimes, the will to paddle just simple falls away from exhaustion, and you can’t judge them or shame them for that. The current is simply too strong to fight against. There are warning signs for suicidal behaviors, but remember that they don’t always apply to every person. They are: 

·        Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves

·        Talking about feeling empty, hopeless, or having no reason to live

·        Planning or looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online, stockpiling pills, or newly acquiring potentially lethal items (e.g., firearms, ropes)

·        Talking about great guilt or shame

·        Talking about feeling trapped or feeling that there are no solutions

·        Feeling unbearable pain, both physical or emotional

·        Talking about being a burden to others

·        Using alcohol or drugs more often

·        Acting anxious or agitated

·        Withdrawing from family and friends

·        Changing eating and/or sleeping habits

·        Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

·        Taking risks that could lead to death, such as reckless driving

·        Talking or thinking about death often

·        Displaying extreme mood swings, suddenly changing from very sad to very calm or happy

·        Giving away important possessions

·        Saying goodbye to friends and family

·        Putting affairs in order, making a will

Please bear in mind that someone that is contemplating suicide may not have all of these warning signs, or any at all. Still, it is important to know these, and if you see someone you love exhibiting them, to talk to them. Keep lines of communication open, and know when to help the one you love seek help.

I hope that I have provided a bit of insight into suicide. Next week, I want to delve more into specific groups, and show that suicide is becoming more and more a public health crisis. I’ll leave you with the number to the suicide hotline, as well as the sources I’ve used in writing this. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE, PLEASE CALL 1–800–273–TALK (8255). They have people available to help.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-faq/index.shtml

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2018/06/07/u-s-suicide-rates-rise-sharply-across-the-country-new-report-shows/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.83f0b2bb3faa

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/curious/201405/why-do-people-kill-themselves-new-warning-signs