Dear Family and Friends that Voted for Trump

 

Dear family and friends that voted for Trump,

 

            I don’t know if you’ll read this. I hope that you do. I am writing this not to be judgemental or harsh. I just have words for you that have weighed on my heart for four years, and it’s time to say them so that I can try to release myself from this hell. I want to say that is NOT about politics. Not even a little. This is simply a letter from me to all of you, so that hopefully you can understand a few things.

            First, you need to know that I love you. Deeply, unabashedly, purely love you.  Some of you I’ve looked up to my entire life. You have had important roles in my life, bandaged scraped knees, held me when I cried. I’ve depended on you. I would do anything for you. I’ve tried to live my life by the examples that you have taught me. This is the part that gets hard because this is where I tell you what you voting for Trump has done to me.

            Four years ago, when he first ran for office, I begged some of you not to vote for him. I tried to explain to you who he was and why he was dangerous. You ignored me because you wouldn’t vote for Killary. Yes, some of you said that exact thing to me. When Trump was elected, I cried, because in my heart I knew we were in for a hellish four years. This is where you’d usually say someone is a lib snowflake, right? I’ve seen you post that about people that think the same way I do the last four years frequently. I’ve watched you demean caring about people, laugh at compassion, and call democratic senators names like Pocahontas. Yes, I’ve seen it all. Then there are those of you who have simply said nothing at all. As if the world wasn’t burning at our feet. I don’t know if that is any better.

            For the last four years, I have felt locked up tight around you. I can’t say how I feel, because I know you’ll judge me for it. When I try to talk to you, you give me talking points from Fox News, or worse, completely untrue propaganda, and tell me that I can’t believe the very things I see with my own eyes. My ENTIRE life you’ve told me how intelligent, kind, and empathetic I am. Now, you tell me I am a sheep. You tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So I say nothing to you, and try to forget the things you’ve said. Do you want to know why I am quiet around you sometimes? Because I simply can’t find the words to say to you.

            I know you would never intentionally want to hurt me. I can know this and still tell you right now that knowing you voted for that man HURT ME. How you may ask? It’s simple. It hurts because I lost faith in you. I lost trust in you. That shiny picture I had of you in my head and heart, where I saw you as the paragon of good and kind? It was tarnished. How could someone who taught me to do unto others support someone who slings ugly names and mocks disabled reporters? It hurts me because I can no longer believe in you the same way I did before. All my illusions are gone, and you know what? That pain doesn’t stop.

            There has been so much suffering over the last four years, personally and universally. The worst for me is seeing ugliness in those I love best. I cannot reconcile what I know about you—that kindness, empathy, the willingness to help those you know in need—with what you support “politically.” Your heart doesn’t match your words. Your vote doesn’t match your heart. Four years ago, maybe I could understand, but knowing you voted for him again, after seeing the ugliness he has caused?  I don’t know how to handle that. It’s not that you see yourself as Republican or conservative. It’s that you are actively aligning yourself with people that are the very antithesis of everything you’ve taught me to be.

            I love you. That’s why I am hurt. I’m disappointed in you. When I look at you, I see the person I know and love and a dark shadow surrounding you that I don’t like. It’s not just because you voted, it’s that you were okay for voting for someone like him. I am trying daily to forgive you, but I know I’ll never forget. And I’ll never look at you the same way I did before 2016. I know you think that’s harsh, but I honestly don’t know how to say it any kinder.

            I am angry and I no longer want to carry that on my heart. I believe that our actions have consequences, and we have to stand strong for what we believe in. I believe firmly in love and grace, in kindness and respect, in a country where everyone deserves the same rights. Some of you say you want those same things, but I no longer trust your words. The last four years have caused me to question everything I know about people I love, and I cannot describe to you the agony that has been. You’ll never know the tears I’ve cried, the messages I’ve typed and never sent, the number of smiles I’ve given you that have hidden one simple question: What were you thinking?

            There are so many things I want to say, and so very many times I have left them unsaid out of fear of hurting your feelings. Yes, because even after all the times I’ve felt my heart shattered over this, I still don’t want to hurt you. I saw something recently that said, “The worst thing about the Trump presidency wasn’t what we learned about Trump. It’s what we learned about our friends.” I cannot tell you how much I relate to those words, and I know that this will make you angry or hurt your feelings. I know that you will have a line of excuses to absolve yourself, but the simple truth is this: you must see something you admire in him and what he’s done to still vote for him, and more than anything, that is what hurts. I could go on ad nauseam for my reasons for feeling that way, but you know them by now. So, yes, knowing you support someone who is the complete opposite of everything a good person should be is infuriating and painful.

            If you are still reading this, thank you. I’ve wanted to say these things for a very long time but I had to wait for the worst of the anger to abate. I’ve tried to be levelheaded and fair, but I am human and flawed, so I am sure that what I have said here isn’t perfect. I don’t mean to attack you or hurt you, but I needed to get this off of my heart and tell you as kindly as I possibly could what the last four years have done to me. They’ve broken my heart, put anger and fire in my soul, and most of all made me into someone I never thought I’d be. Skeptical. Harder. Angry. Yet, at the end of the day, I’ve grown. I’m less apt to deal with BS. I am more open to kindness and thoughtfulness. If anything, I’m more liberal, because I don’t want to be anything like a man that hurts others for personal gain, uses the Bible and faith as a prop or weapon, and lets people die without so much of a whisper or outreached hand. I am the anti-Trump. I pray every day for us all. I pray for you, and that you will come to terms with the demons inside yourself that may be toying with you. I pray for me to accept that I cannot change the hearts of others and that I shouldn’t expect people to give me what I give to them. Most of all, I pray for these horrible fractures in our country to be mended, so that I can move on from this nightmare with hope in my heart and joy in my step. I want to be free again and I want that for you too.  Once again, I love you. Never doubt that.