Hello, everyone. I know it’s been a couple of weeks. Truth
is, I just haven’t had the heart to write. Like my family, I’m struggling right
now. Losing Brittany and my grandfather has left this giant, gaping hole in my
heart that isn’t even close to mending. Every day is a battle against the
heartbreak and numbness that I feel. Seems odd, doesn’t it, that I should be
feeling two such disparate emotions, but that’s where I am. As you may have
guessed, these latest losses, so close on the heels of losing my cousin and
grandmother, have impacted my mental health. I know that I’ve previously spoken
of my struggles with anxiety, but today I’ll talk a little more about it, as
well as my struggles with depression.
I first started noticing a rise in my anxiety earlier this
year. My sleep patterns became worse, with nights of very little sleep
interspersed with nights that were plagued by nightmares or unsettling dreams.
It can sometimes take me over an hour just to fall asleep, and then only
fitfully. It all leaves me feeling constantly exhausted. Added to that, I was
noticing that heart palpitations and my heart racing were occurring more and
more. I started logging these moments, and there were times when I’d be lying
in bed for 20 minutes, heart pounding at 98 beats per minute, for no reason I
could discern. My chest will ache, with no relief, for long moments. All in
all, it’s painful, exhausting, and never ending.
Our lives have seen a lot of changes this year, it’s true, and
I know this has added to my anxiety. I’d already decided to speak to my doctor even
before Hurricane Florence hit.
Afterwards, of course, it became apparent that I absolutely had to go
in. So many losses in such a short time has taken its toll on me.
Right now, I know that my anxiety is high, for good reason. And
also, the specter of depression is back in my life. It is not my first battle
with the disease, and most likely, it won’t be the last, but I take comfort in
knowing that I have already sought and received help. It’s no surprise that
this demon should be back in my life at this time. The hurricane, the unexpected
deaths of my cousin and grandfather, and the weight of anxiety have torn down
my reserves. You could say, “Well, of course you feel sad. You’ve had a
traumatic experience.” That’s true, but depression isn’t sadness. It’s far more
complicated.
What I feel right now is isolation from everything around
me. Yes, I can laugh. I can smile. I can give hugs and respond to your
questions. What I am having trouble with is FEELING. It’s as though there is a
veil between me and the world around me. Every day feels suspended in sticky
syrup, droning and the same. And yet, I make myself smile when I am in public.
I engage. I support those that need support. And when I get home, I am simply
drained from the effort. Part of this is possibly my brain’s way of protecting
me from the hurt of loss, but I want to feel that. I almost feel as though I
can’t grieve properly because I can’t access that hurt, that pain. Instead, I
feel emptiness.
I’ve had so many people tell me that I’m strong, or that I
have to be strong for those around me that need me. Trust me, I want to be. I
want to be that support. I have been. I will continue to do so, especially for
my family, who I know need me as desperately as I need them. But I don’t feel
strong. I feel weak. Lost. Right now, I am walking through my days in a daze,
and it’s a struggle. I think that’s what some people don’t understand about depression.
It isn’t just crying and sorrow. It’s emptiness at the same time you feel the
weight of the world sucking you down. There is a blankness inside me, lined with
jagged edges.
As of last week, I am on medication to help me. I have an
incredible network of family and friends I can and do talk to. I will continue
to tread water until my medication begins to build in my system, helping me to
navigate this new world around me. I will continue to fight, because giving up
isn’t an option. I promise that I will
get back into the swing of weekly blogs again soon. I will finish my 3 part
series on suicide as well, but hopefully you’ll understand why right now in my
life, I just don’t have it in me at the moment to tackle the subject. It’s one
I’m passionate about, and I want to give it my best. I can’t right now. I hope
you’ll all stay with me on this journey. Until next time.
